Knowing that many people are praying for Riley is VERY encouraging. I have felt God's hand move in amazing ways ALREADY in this adventure. Almost everyday someone asks me how I'm "dealing with everything", or someone will say something like "I can't even imagine the emotions you're going through right now." God has me in a place of peace, but it's hard to understand. I'm not sure if it's peace, knowing that He's in control... or peace, because I know "stressing out" won't make anything better...or peace because I have NO IDEA what to expect.
I'd like to think that this "peace" is a result from this AMAZING faith I have in God, and because I've totally surrendered Riley's life into God's hands...But I think that's hardly the case. All I see in Riley right now is a sweet, happy, strong baby boy. He's doing everything any "normal" baby does. And, although I know that this surgery is going to be pretty intense, I don't think I've dealt with the reality of it all. I think I've pretty much turned my face away from fear of the unknown. Until he's strapped up to a bunch of machines with bandages wrapped around his head, all I can see is who Riley is NOW. I'd actually like to start greiving or dealing emotionally with everything right now, but...I'm just not at that place. There are too many brand new smiles and sweet baby coo's to be crying about anything.
I think it IS God who gives me this peace- eventhough I probably haven't completely surrenderd Riley's life to Him. I think He gives me peace through His grace. In the midst of my sin, my unfaithfulness, my bitter heart, God carries me and reassures me of His love and His power. He's my protector in this time, when I don't know how to keep my own heart safe. He blinds my eyes from fear and focuses them onto the joy that my 8 week old baby boy brings. Sweet little feet and toes. That newborn baby smell. The fun interaction between Riley and his big brother, Cameron. The way Riley always wants to be held tight in my arms. These are the things I'm drawn to.
Could my all powerful God feel the same way about me? Maybe HE'S scared for my heart. Maybe He would rather not experience the hurt I cause Him, but...maybe all he can focus on right now is the beauty of knowing I'm His daughter. His creation. Forgiven. Needing of Him. Wanting Him. Dependant on His hand to carry me.
God genuinely loving me, in spite of me. Now THAT is something worth crying over.
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4 comments:
Lauren,
How insigtful. Sounds like something only God could tell you.
I'm so glad you're taking in each new moment with Riley. I missed some of that fun stuff with Rhett so I'm enjoying it too with Emmie.
Love,
T
lauren,
thank you for sharing such wonderful insights and pics of my beautiful nephews. i know the good lord watches over all of us. i cant help but shed a few tears when i see how my brother has matured. our prayers and our thoughts are with riley and we look forward to holding and kissing him soon:). we love you all
love,
randy and tim
we're all hoping the best for you guys! and we're here for you guys too! love you all!
HEY LAUREN!
FIRST OFF I JUST WANT TO APOLOGIZE TO YOU GUYS FOR NOT BEING THERE FOR YOU GUYS. I JUST NEVER UNDERSTOOD HOW SERIOUS THIS WAS OR IT IS UNTIL NOW AND I AM SO SORRY! YOU GUYS HAVE TWO HANDSOME SONS AND I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT YOU ARE AN AMAZING PERSON TO BE GOING THROUGH SOO MUCH AND STILL HAVE FAITH IN GOD. HOLD ON TO YOUR FAITH AND KEEP IT BECAUSE GOD HAS EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL! ANYTIME YOU NEED ME OR THE FAMILY WE ARE ALWAYS HERE OR THERE FOR YOU GUYS! JUST REMEMBER THAT AND COUNT ON IT!I LOVE YOU ALL! AND I PRAY TO GOD THAT HE COMFORTS YOUR HEART IN KNOWING THAT RILEY WILL BE OKAY!
LOVE ALWAYS,ASO
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